Returning to the past

Dear past me,

Life does get better – trust me. The hurt that you’ve experienced never fully disappears but you find new ways of dealing with it and you start to work through it. There will be days that it feels like it completely cripples you but other days you will feel the complete happiness that warms you heart and makes life instantly better. Cherish that happiness and the people who make you feel that way. There is such a thing as love, even though you don’t know it yet or you do but you think it’s too good to be true. Be patient, you learn for yourself how overwhelming and amazing love can be. You learn that nothing is too good to be true and that some things do work out in the end. Never give up on people, sometimes they need you more than you could ever realize.

After you have a miscarriage, you become involved in counselling many pregnant girls through emails and let them know that you will always be there for them. Keep your promise, always. If anyone needs you, it’s them, even if it’s just to talk about what has happened in their day. When they send you photos of their children remember to smile even though it hurts your heart, remembering that you could have your own child by now and a different life. There will be second chances and even more chances after that to have your own family. Never give up hope.

You meet an amazing person who later becomes your boyfriend and he is the light in your life. He shows you that love is real and to believe in yourself. Sadly you do end up hurting him, more than you ever imagined, but he forgives you and that’s when you realize how lucky you really are. Not a lot of people would do that for you. Cherish him, forever.

There will come a time in your life when you’re unsure of what you want to do and this is okay, you have time to decide what you want. Just remember, nothing is permanent so what you choose now could be the polar opposite of what you’re doing in five or ten years time. Think about what you want and what you need; just yourself and no one else. Do what makes you happy and never regret it. Life is too short to have regrets. Stop trying to please others, it’s not possible. No matter what you do, someone isn’t going to be happy and you’ll only become depressed trying to keep up with the impossible standard that certain people place upon you. Don’t sink to their level and keep doing what you’re doing; you’re good at it and you get the recognition you need in due time. Keep on, keeping on.

You’re the life of the party, the one taking whatever shot and drinking everything that gets pushed in front of you. This is not who you are, be more careful of what you do. Alcohol and other substances control your life for a short while before you finally snap out of it and decide to turn your life around, once again. You make a fool of yourself and make several mistakes; your best friend loses a little trust in you but you gain it back slowly. It seems like she’s mad but she forgives you, never forget that. It takes you a year to completely stop drinking but in the end you aren’t remotely tempted to have a drink and you are better for it. You become the sober advisor of the group and watch over your friends if they get out of control, like they never did for you. Don’t let them do anything stupid, they’ll appreciate you for it.

In the end, life is unpredictable. You are wary when things are going so well that you expect something terrible to happen. Stop the negative thoughts. Some things aren’t too good to be true and really are meant to happen. You have a fragile heart but don’t be scared to open up to someone, they love you more than you could ever know or understand. Take chances, a lot of them. A lifetime of ‘oh wells’ is better than a lifetime of ‘what ifs’. Sometimes you have to grin and bear it but it’s for the good of others so learn to suck it up. Your life plan changes a lot but that’s okay, you’re human. A plan will show itself eventually.

Just remember to keep faith in yourself and in the world, it isn’t as bad as you think it is.

From your older and wiser, seventeen year old self.